Goodbye

I changed my hair for you.

I started growing it out, and

I quit dying it funky colors 👩‍🎤

because you didn’t like it short and pink.

I got a manicure topped off with gold gel nail polish💅

to be more feminine, to try and please you.

I quit ordering ethnic food

because you said it smelled bad.

I started wearing a bra.

I stopped using eyeliner underneath my eyes.👁

I became quieter in the bedroom.

I quit saying I love you

because you never said it first.

I stifled my laughter while looking at funny memes when you were around

because you seemed annoyed.🙄

I did all of these things to try and please you

to force myself into your impossible mold.

So you would love and accept me

and not leave me, again.😩

But it’s never enough.🙅‍♀️

I will never be what you want me to be,

no matter how much I change my outsides, or

how much I change my behaviors.

And I shouldn’t have to.

My beloved should love me just as I am:🥰️

At my age

With short hair

Whatever color I choose

With or without a bra

Or long colored fingernails

Whatever clothes I feel comfortable in

If I want to listen to music and sing along sometimes🎶

Or die laughing at Shithead Steve on Instagram

Ordering Mexican food and watching old Simpsons episodes on my computer.💻

And when we go out together, I want my lover to be proud to be seen with me:😍

To want to hold my hand in front of their friends

To be excited to introduce me to everyone as his girlfriend👫

To want to dance with me

Have fun and be silly🤪

Tell jokes and secrets and gossip.

Instead…

I am not invited, most times.

And when I am, you treat me as your adult chaperone🙍‍♀️

or big sister that you care about, but would rather have stayed at home.

Or the embarrassing parent that dresses weird, and

doesn’t want you to talk to that girl that looks like a bad influence.

Because you can’t do what you really want when I’m around.

You want to drink and dance and laugh with your friends, not with me.

You want to meet others for possible romantic or sexual connections

because I am not enough for you.

I feel awkward, old, and ugly.

When so many guys would love to be seen with me, to hold my hand, to dance with me.

You don’t want me, but you don’t want anyone else to have me either.

So you keep giving me just enough to keep me hooked without totally discarding me because you haven’t yet found my replacement.

The catch to all of this is –

I ALLOW IT.

I tolerate it.

I stay.

I go along with all of it.

Even if I say something contrary or put up a small fight or argument…

I stay.

Now I’ve gone away for a while.

I don’t miss you.

The fantasy you that I used to miss is long gone.😓

Now I can relax.🧖‍♀️

I can breathe.

I can exhale.

I can order vegan food.

I can do my makeup and hair however I choose.

I can not wear a bra.

You wanted to come to see me on my birthday, but I said no.

So you ghosted me.

Now no contact for almost a month.🚫

At first, I swiped furiously on tinder to try to forget and replace you but it didn’t work.

And I know I need to be alone and heal.

So I am off all dating apps.

But I don’t block you.

Why not?

Because … many reasons.

I could put on my armchair psychology hat 👩‍⚕️ and give fancy self-diagnoses of trauma bonding, C-PTSD, anxious attachment style…

along with your possible pathological personality disorders stemming from your own severe childhood trauma.🤕

Oh, and of course multiple addictions.

It’s hard to separate out feelings,

obsessions, compulsions,

addictions,

and trauma –

so they are all boiling together in a big pot with a sprinkling of

‘love’,

lust, and

care for another human being.

So where do I go from here?

The cognitive dissonant mind clings to the tiny hope that you will change.

That the old you that I first met

who adored me and treated me exquisitely well🤩

wanted to take me home to mother

wanted to come out together online and everywhere as a couple

who said I was beautiful

who was so affectionate and loving and attentive –

that this person would return, will return.

But I know that it won’t.🙁

I’m too jaded and I know too much to believe that lie.

And I know this is all a pipe dream.

It’s all illusion.

Any hope is hopeless.

So now what babe?

I’ve blocked you before and unblocked you.

You broke up with me and you came back.

Broke up a second time and then we got covid, and were living together

in this relationship where some days you barely spoke 2 sentences to me all day.

You never asked how I’m doing, or

what I’m doing,

out of any real interest in me or my life.

I am broken.

I know I need to move on

that you’re one big red flag🚩

that together we are a toxic stew.

I’m scared but I know it’s best.

I deserve so much more than the stale breadcrumbs you’ve been feeding me.

YES I am angry at you,

but more than that I resent myself.

How can I blame you for any of this?

When I show up a willing victim again and again.

And you don’t really know everything that you’re doing.

Sure you know when you have certainly lied to me and cheated on me…

were unkind or left me out of your life.

But you don’t have the full awareness of these dynamics and what drives you.

And even if you did.. well, it doesn’t equate change.

However – I do.

I know it all.

And yet I have stayed, and

volunteered for more.

I feel powerless

and hopeless.

So please babe, please leave me now and leave me forever.

I can’t ever see you again.

Not because I don’t care, but because I do.

Because I care about myself first of all

and also for you.

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you.

So many experiences yet to be had.

Go out and taste life.

And be safe doing it (there’s mama bear coming out)

You will have many loves, many friends, many relationships.

While most of mine are behind me, most of yours are ahead.

Enjoy yourself and your life.

I tried. I did the best I could.

You did your best with where you are at right now.

It just didn’t work.

I loved you, goodbye. 👋

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